FACTS. In my experience, they're a ruddy nuisance. Can't trustthem. That's why they always need checking. And, even then, there'salways someone with a different set allegedly just as valid. That'sthe trouble with facts: they never quite ring true.
But, while the world would undoubtedly be a better place withoutfacts, they can make fascinating reading, and those accumulated atthe Glasgow Indicators Project (www.understandingglasgow.com) are noexception. The project, run by the city's Centre for PopulationHealth, covers topics such as traffic, weather and derelict land.You could put these words on signs for visitors: "Welcome toGlasgow: traffic, weather and derelict land."
According to the stats, Glasgow has the highest volume of trafficin Scotland. Yay! Way, as it were, to go. However, much of it isgoing by bicycle -- the Devil's transport -- causing danger tomotorists and pedestrians alike. Driving around the city isn't funany more, which is probably what these Pol Pot-style fanatics want.First, they came for our cars. Next, they'll be coming for ourspectacles.
Like most diseases, cycling started in Edinburgh, whose heavilyanglicised residents took easily to shorts-wearing and publicpedalling as part of their whole Enid Blyton thang. Trendily retro,their self-righteousness matched only by their vicious aggression,cyclists now control the capital's streets, and it's a rare carjourney that doesn't feature jamming on the brakes as some wobblingtraffic-warper up ahead brings mayhem to decent citizens drivingbehind him.
So much for traffic. The facts about Glasgow's weather make grimreading too: the number of heatwaves has increased by six days ayear. We are Celts: we don't do heat. If the number of heatwavescontinues to increase, soon we'll become like Spain, Italy and otherThird World countries, with people lounging around on street cornersor, worse still, sleeping in the early afternoon. What then of theindustriousness that made Glasgow great? Are Spain and Italy greatshipbuilding countries? Of course not. Fact: you cannot build shipswhile asleep.
Here's another fact: around 4,000 different types of animals,plants and fungi can be found in the Glasgow area. And you thoughtthere were just dugs. Some of you, though, will be familiar with thePurple Ramping-Fumitory -- you can get them at Boots, but you haveto ask -- and perhaps you'll have seen a Small Pearl-BorderedFritillary, "lurching here and here by guess/and God and hope andhopelessness", as the poet Robert Graves said (though, admittedly hewas writing of the arguably more wayward Cabbage White). But I wassurprised to read about Toothwort and Tufted Loosestrife. I'd noidea the situation was so serious.
I was also surprised to read that only 56 per cent of householdshad internet access. How are these other people getting by withoutGoogle? Surely, we all need the screen genie to bring the world intoour lives? I pity the poor souls. Actually, that isn't a fact. Ienvy them.
Envy is all in the mind - I hope you appreciate that I'm sweatingmightily to make these links - and, surprisingly perhaps, there's a"Mindset" section on the Indicators website. Who'd have thought? Amentalness index in Glasgow! This has headings such as religion,politics and suicide, three topics which, in Scotland generally, aredeeply intertwined.
Mindset is defined as a "deeply-held view", which is not alwaysrational. Christians, for example, are ahead of normal people, by64.8 to 22.7 per cent. But you know folk just put "Christian" downbecause they're scared of going to Hell.
Speaking of which - I did it again! - the city is using naturalresources 3.6 times faster than the Earth can renew them, therebydooming us to some sort of Apocalypse. Until that happy day, though,we can chill out in the city's 90 parks and formal gardens, andreflect on the fact that, while most of us trust the police, fewtrust the Conservative Party.
There are no figures for the press - you'll have to trust me onthat. After all, why let the facts spoil a good story?
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